


See John Run, and Hello, Rodney: two entirely inappropriate children's stories

by rhymer23



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Double Entendre, Gen, Humor, Illustrated, Inappropriate Humor, Storytelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 12:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2310416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhymer23/pseuds/rhymer23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Does Rodney look like a happy Rodney, or a sad Rodney? That's right, he looks like a <i>sad</i> Rodney. A <i>grumpy</i> Rodney. A not-very-happy-at-all Rodney. I wonder why he's such a sad Rodney. Let's find out, shall we?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. See John Run!  or Baby's First Shep Whump

**Author's Note:**

> These were originally posted as separate stories in 2007 and 2008, but I'm posting them together here, on the grounds that it is best to put all ones silliness together in one basket. They are _entirely silly_. They are SGA fanfics as told to 3 year olds. They are also jam packed with double entendre, and are not, most definitely not, _really_ for 3 year olds. I feared I might have to run away from the fandom forever after posting these, but people seemed to like them. :-D

**See John Run  
Or, Baby's First Shep-whump**

This is John. Let's all say hello to John. Hello, John! Oh, that wasn't a very good hello. Let's say it louder and all join in this time. Hello, John! 

John lives in Atlantis. Have any of you been to Atlantis? What, you _have_ , Joshua? _Really_? I don't think you have, because Atlantis doesn't really exist except in storybooks, and that means that you, Joshua, are _lying_. Do you know what happens to little boys who lie? Yes, that's right. They go to _prison_. It isn't very nice in prison, is it? I'll tell you all about prison next week. 

Let's turn over the page and see what John's doing. Oh, look, he's just had a shower. Isn't his hair silly, all wet and sticky up? He's just wearing a towel. A very big towel. The grown-up word for a towel that big is "disappointing." Oh, this isn't a lift-the-flap book is it? Agh. No. In a minute, though, he's going to drop the towel and he's going to have nothing on at all. Yes, that's right, Charlotte. You're right to giggle. We'll be able to see his _bottom_.

[ ](http://photobucket.com)

Oh. The illustrator hasn't shown us that bit. I want to teach you a new word, children. Im-aj-in-ay-shun. That is what I am using now.

Oh! Where was I? Sorry, children, I was just…um… thinking of something else. Let's get back to the story. 

Here's John again. Unfortunately he's all dressed now. And this lady is Elizabeth. Elizabeth is a bit like a teacher, and John has to do what she says, although he's sometimes naughty and doesn't do it, and then he has to sit on the naughty step until he's good again. "John," she says, "I want you to go shopping for me today. I want you to buy these things: one real live Ancient, two new allies, three nuclear bombs, four zero point modules, and don't forget the tava beans."

"Can my friends come, too?" John asks.

"Yes," says Elizabeth, "but try not to bother Mr Genii next door - you know how he gets."

So John goes off to find his friends. I wonder where they're hiding in this picture. Can you see his friends hiding in this picture? (And _now_ they give us a lift-the-flap picture. Hmph!)

Oh! I think I can see something here, sticking out from behind the curtain. Do you think this could be one of John's friends? Shall we lift the flap? Oh, it's just Kavanagh, writing a sneaky report. _He's_ not one of John's friends, is he? Let's slam the flap shut. If we're lucky, we'll hurt his nose. 

What about this… Oh! Can you see something, Danny? Where? Behind those cushions? Let's see. Oh! You're right! It's Teyla, meditating. Hello, Teyla! 

Can anyone see anyone else? Ooh, I think I can. Look at this _thing_ over here. It looks like a pile of old clothes with a dirty mop on the top. Do you think it's _really_ a pile of old clothes with a dirty mop on the top? What do you think it really is? A giant? Yes, it could be a giant, Alice, yes. Well, let's have a look, shall we? Oh! It's Ronon! No, Jason, don't cry. He's not a _scary_ giant. No, of course he won't come and eat you after you've gone to bed. It's the Wraith that'll do that, not Ronon. In fact, they're probably going to come tonight and EAT YOU ALL UP, because you've all been very naughty today. 

No, don't cry. Can anyone see any more of John's friends? What about this, sticking out from under that console. It looks like a foot. Let's give this little tab a pull, shall we? Oh! It's John's other friend, Rodney! I wonder why he was hiding under the console. He looks a bit of a scaredy, doesn't he? Silly Rodney, to be scared of going shopping with John. What could possibly go wrong on a simple shopping trip?

Let's turn over the page. Here they are, walking through the Gate Room. Look how the illustrator has shown them all from behind. What colour is John wearing? That's right: black. Are his clothes baggy or tight? Yes, tight. Look at that gun holster thing, with the straps hugging his thigh, so snug and so close to his... And look at that cute little knife, flopping right over his… Oh! This isn't a touch-and-feel book, is it? It's isn't? Oh. Shame. 

Can you see this funny-looking thing over there in the picture? It's a Stargate. No, Ellie, not a stairgate, a _Stargate_. A Stargate is a special sort of door that lets you go to far away places. Why don't you try walking into mirrors and walls when you get home? If you're really lucky, you might find a Stargate. There's a wormhole behind the Stargate. Does anyone like playing with worms? Worms go _wiggle wiggle_ , don't they? Can you go _wiggle wiggle_ like a worm? Why don't you do that for a while, while I look at this picture of John from behind, and imagine that he's going _wiggle wiggle_. I'm just… er… studying the illustrator's use of colour and tone. 

What? You're bored with being a worm? Huh! Kids today! It was only ten minutes. Well, let's follow John and his friends through the Stargate. We can't see what happens next, because they all break into little tiny pieces and go through the giant wormhole… No, Stephen, there aren't any mutant killer worms and there isn't any blood and gore, and, yes, I know you like blood and gore, but, really, you're only four, and I think we should turn the page now and move swiftly on.

Hmm… Mutant killer worms. Blood and gore. Fic idea coming on… 

Um… Sorry. Where was I?

John and his friends have reached the planet where the shops are. No, Stephen, there's no blood yet, but I hope there will be soon. I mean, I'm sure there won't ever be any blood. "Which way shall we go?" John says. 

"The sun is shining," Teyla says, "and the grass is green. I see trees over there, and I cannot see any sign directing us to the shops." Teyla likes to state the obvious.

"Want to shoot things," says Ronon. Oh, look! There are flaps all over his picture. (Why does this illustrator keep making it a lift-the-flap book only when it doesn't matter?) Shall we lift them up and see what's underneath? A look, a knife! And what's under this one? A knife! And this one… A knife! And this one… A knife! What about this one… A knife! That's a silly place to keep a knife, isn't it? It's rather silly to keep _anything_ there, isn't it? And what do you think's under this flap? What was that, Harry - a kitten? No, it's three knives. Shall we count all the knives? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Eight knives! Ronon is silly, isn't he?

[ ](http://photobucket.com)

Rodney's going to say something now. Now, children, there's this funny thing about the way Rodney talks. He says lots of long sciency words that are not yet in your vocabulary. He also insults people a lot, and I don't think your mummies and daddies would like it if I let you hear his insults. He also likes to talk lots and lots, and there isn't room in the story to tell you everything he says. So here's an idea. Whenever Rodney says something, I'm going to take some words out of this little bag here labelled "random McKay words" instead.

"Here's genius doom," says Rodney.

Look! Here's John giving Rodney a swat on the head. I wonder why he's doing that? Yes, Danny? Your mummy and daddy swat each other like that because they love each other very much, and then they go and lock themselves in their bedroom for a long time to _talk_. 

Ellie? You think John's a big bully and isn't very nice at all and needs to get spanked. 

Charlotte? You think John and Rodney are best friends and should play fairies or ponies together in the playground, like you do with Alice? 

Well, shall we find out what happens next? John looks confused, doesn't he? "I can't remember what I'm supposed to be buying," he says. "One real-life accident, two new allies, three nuclear bumps, four-zero pointing mules? One life-threatening accident, two new enemies, three bruises and bumps, forty pointy moles…" 

"You appear to have forgotten the shopping list," says Teyla.

"Want to shoot things," says Ronon.

"Invulnerable whales," says Rodney. 

"Let's go that way!" says John. He and his friends start walking, but suddenly - oh no! - John falls down a hole! Oh no! I wonder what's going to happen to him! Shall we turn the page and find out?

Oh, look. Ronon has caught him and stopped him from falling to his doom. (What's doom? "Doom" is another word for teddy bear, Jason.) What a shame! I mean, phew, what luck! Clever Ronon. "If Ronon had not caught you, you would have been very badly hurt," Teyla says. 

"Me hypoglycaemic cat idea," says Rodney. 

Doesn't John look happy! "One life-threatening accident," he says. "Elizabeth _will_ be pleased. Now for the new enemies."

"Hellbent coffee destruction," Rodney says. 

But, look, who's this on the next page? Shall I tell you? This is Timmy. Timmy's normally a really good boy, but this morning someone rather bad whispered in his ear. The bad person is called an _author_. "I want you to go and bop John on the head for no reason at all," said the author, "because we don't need no stinking motivation." The author also taught Timmy a silly poem to say. It went something like this:  
"Shep whump, Shep whump, Shep whump - yay!  
Whump that Shep both night and day."  
What a funny poem that is! Do you think you can say it, children? Well done! Now, I want you to say that every day. I want you to learn it. And then, when you grow up, you can join a special grown-up club and you will be able to do this special grown-up thing called Shep whump which is _even better than ice-cream_. 

So here's Timmy hitting John with a big stick. Oh, and here's Ronon sitting on Timmy's chest. What a lot of tomato sauce there is all over the place! I think John and Timmy must have been really sleepy, because they've both got their eyes shut. 

"I think we ought to return home now," says Teyla.

"Want to shoot things," says Ronon.

"Inconceivable arrogant demise," says Rodney. "Voodoo citrus. No!"

Oh, look, Ronon is carrying John. How silly! You don't carry people unless they're babies. What happens when you wake up a baby who's asleep. That's right - they cry. Hey, I know! Shall we all go "boo!" really loudly and see if we can wake John up. Maybe he'll cry. One, two, three, BOO!

Oh! Look what you've gone and done, you naughty children! You've gone and woken up Mr Genii next door. You're going to be in trouble now. I can see Kolya coming. Kolya's a special person. He's John's _nemesis_. Nemesis is a grown-up word meaning "best friend." He's brought lots of other friends with him, and - look! - they're hugging Rodney and Ronon and Teyla because they like them so much. You can tell that Kolya likes John the best of all, because they're playing dressing up together. I think they must be playing ponies, because he's putting some rope in John's mouth… Or maybe they're playing Egyptian mummies because now he's wrapping bits of him up.

Do you like playing let's pretend? What games would you play if you and John were alone together…?

…Oh, where was I?

Shall we leave them here for ever and ever and close the book. Go on, shall we? Then we can imagine months and months of off-camera torment at the hands of Kolya, we'll get lots of tearful readers begging for a sequel, and we'll feel really important and powerful. ("Torment" is a grown-up word meaning marshmallows and "sequel" is a grown-up word meaning chocolate cake.) 

Oh dear. Too late. We dithered for too long. Ronon's not being hugged any more. He's thumping all of Kolya's friends. Look! More tomato sauce. So much tomato sauce that we can't really see what's happening. John's gone red all over, like a funny tomato monster man. Kolya and his friends look as if they're pretending to be tomato soup. That's a silly game!

[ ](http://photobucket.com)

"Run for the Gate!" says Teyla.

"I shot things," says Ronon. 

"Eat disturbing trust," says Rodney. 

They're running for the Gate. Look! Kolya's chasing them, Timmy's chasing them, and lots of baddies who didn't get a chance to appear in the book are chasing them, and the kitchen sink is chasing them, and even the author's chasing them. Let's listen carefully and hear what the author's saying. What's that? "No, you can't get away, not before I've whumped you for at least six more chapters?" What a funny thing to say!

Run, run, John! Run, Ronon! Run, Rodney! Run, Teyla! See John run. Run, John, run! 

Rumpeta, rumpeta, _stomp stomp stomp_ go the others. _Cackle cackle_ says the author. 

runrunrunrunrun!

Phew! It's okay! They made it through the Gate. 

But - uh-oh! There's Elizabeth. She doesn't look pleased with John, does she? "You forgot the tava beans," she says. "You're a bad boy, John. I'm going to send you back to Earth and replace you with Caldwell."

I wonder what that means. It sounds better than the naughty step, though. I wonder why John's fast asleep on the floor of the Gate Room, all covered with tomato sauce. It's really naughty, isn't it, to get tomato sauce all over things. Bad John! Bad! Let's all thump John really really hard because he's bad. Ooh, yes, well done, Stephen. Kicking him works well, too. And stabbing him with a pencil. Well done, Jamie. What about crumpling the page so his body goes all mangled? Scribble all over… No, not the face! Not the face!

"Reconfigure Ancient lunch," says Rodney. "Idiot colonel!"

And that, children, is the end of the story.

[ ](http://photobucket.com)

******

For parents and teachers: Ideas for extention activities

1\. Make a whumpable John puppet

This is a cross-curricular activity, with links both to art and craft and to literacy. Get the children to make a John puppet, as below. (Templates can be provided, though older and more able children can design their own.) Once the puppet is made and decorated, get children to throw their puppet casually on the floor to see how the limbs end up. (The correct word for this is "his limbs at a sickening angle", or "lying on the floor like a discarded rag doll.") They must then make up a story that explains how he got that way. 

Grown-up writers might find this activity useful in combating writer's block. Additional story ideas may be obtained by dropping household objects on the puppet and seeing where they land. For example, a needle landing on the thigh could mean a stab wound, and a match on the arm could denote a traumatic encounter with fire.

[ ](http://photobucket.com)

(Care needs to be taken in the presence of pets and babies, unless drool, slobber and rending jaws is a desired effect. It is hard to see what story could be prompted by your John puppet being shredded and turned into hamster bedding, for example.)

[ ](http://photobucket.com)

2\. Battledex

This is a version of the traditional game of Battleship, in which players try to find the hidden knives on Ronon.

[ ](http://photobucket.com)

3\. Madlantislibs

Inspired by the random McKay word generator, play a few games of Madlantislibs with your children. This game provides the opportunity to gently introduce children to the parts of speech. Here are some extracts from past games played in the classrooms of the world:

"Exfoliate!" giggled Rodney, as he bounced fluffily towards the Stargate. 

John was firing his sausage messily into the llama. Ronon flirted, flowers spurting from his fingers. Teyla purred, waving her turnips. The Genii were cuddling coyly, and cup-cakes trampolined around John's feet. He felt horrible laughter as one of them hit him on the elbow. Treacle exploded from his nose, and he danced prettily to the ground and scribbled still.  
__

John was sprouting on the bed, as pale as a buttercup. There were books all over him, even down his pants. Carson killed the book that fed puppies into his toes. 

"Is he going to be horrid?" Rodney declaimed. "Oh no! He's going to frolic, isn't he?"

"I don't know," growled Carson, in a babyish voice. 

Ronon bullied his fist into the monster. Teyla was trying not to explode. Elizabeth kicked John's ear. "Please don't frolic, John. We hate you." 

******

END


	2. Hello, Rodney!

**Hello, Rodney!**

This is Rodney. Say hello to Rodney, children. "Hello, Rodney!" 

Oh. Rodney isn't saying hello back. I wonder why not. Does he look like a happy Rodney, or a _sad_ Rodney? That's right, Joshua, he looks like a _sad_ Rodney. A _grumpy_ Rodney. A not-very-happy-at-all Rodney. Rodney's a real Mr Grumpy-boots, isn't he? I wonder why he's such a sad Rodney. What's that, Charlotte? You think somebody's playing with his favourite doll? What about you, Daniel? You think he's sad because his best friend took the Superman costume and now poor Rodney has to dress up as a princess, and it's not _fair_? 

[](http://s25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/ladyofastolat/fic/?action=view&current=sadrodney.jpg)

They're both _very good_ ideas, but you're both wrong. No, Rodney is sad because he's just come up with a Grand Unified Theory (this is a bit like chocolate ice-cream with sprinkles on), and he really should be getting a Nobel Prize (which is a bit like a smiley sticker), but he can't, because his work is classified (which is a grown-up word that means that it's secret and he can't tell anyone about it, because people who tell secrets get _eaten by a bear_ and torn into _little tiny bits_ , don't they, Samantha?)

How do you think we can cheer Rodney up and stop him feeling so sad? What do you think, Lydia? He should get a cuddle from his mummy? That's a really good idea, but unfortunately Rodney's mummy is very, very long way away and can't cuddle him. This is what happens when you grow up, and it will happen to all of you one day. Your mummies will go away and you'll be all by yourself in the big scary world, where, by the way, all the monsters under your bed _are_ real, after all, but fairies and Santa Claus aren't.

Where were we? Oh yes. We're trying to stop Rodney being a sad Rodney. What do you think Rodney should do, William? He should go and find a friend to play with? That's a really good idea! Look! There's Rodney setting off to try to find a friend to play with, walking along like this: plod, plod, plod. I wonder who he'll find.

Oh! Look! I can see somebody hiding behind this door. Who do you think it is? It's got bushy hair, a bit like a scarecrow, and shiny glasses. You think it's an elephant, Katie? Mmm, it _could_ be, but I think… A giraffe, Adam? I don't think you're very clever, are you? I suspect you will go off the rails and come to a bad end. Let's open the door a little bit more… and a little bit more…

It's Radek! Now, there's a funny thing about Radek. When he's excited or scared, he speaks in his native language, and we can't understand what he says. What's that, Joshua? When your daddy drops something on his toe, he shouts funny words, too? Yes, that's exactly the same thing. I'll tell you what: after storytime, you can teach everyone else your daddy's funny words, so they can go home and say them to _their_ mummies and daddies. _Won't_ their mummies and daddies be surprised?

There's a funny thing about Rodney, too. He talks a lot, but a lot of his words are words that are not in your vocabulary. (Vocabulary is a long word which is in itself not in your vocabulary, which is at best confusing, in one of those "error! error! error! boom!" sort of ways, and at worse a paradox, by which I mean those birds that sit in the jungle and go _squawk_. Can you squawk like a paradox, children? Very good!)

Anyway, because Rodney's words are not in your vocabulary and because he says a lot of them, and because we want this story to be finished nice and quickly so I can go off and have a stiff drink, I'm not going to tell you exactly what Rodney says. Instead we are going to use this Random Rodney Word Generator, otherwise known as a paper bag, to give you a flavour of it. 

"Citrus B-team minion," Rodney says. 

Do you think Rodney wants to play with Radek? You do, Abigail? You are stupid, aren't you? Didn't you listen to what he said? No, Rodney likes Radek a little bit, but he doesn't want to play with him at the moment. Radek can't cheer Rodney up and turn him into a happy Rodney. Bye-bye, Radek!

I wonder who Rodney will meet next. Oh! I think I can hear Woolsey coming along the corridor. Yes, Jake, Woolsey does sound like a woolly sheep, doesn't he? However, just like everyone else, you're totally and irredeemably wrong. One day soon, fear of ridicule will teach you all to stop making suggestions and just sit in cowed silence. Yes, Zoe, cows _do_ go moo. Let's _all_ go moo. What fun this is.

Here's Woolsey! Woolsey isn't a sheep, is he? How silly Jake is! Yes, Sarah, his head is very shiny. Do you think Rodney wants to play with Woolsey? Shall we ask him?

"Arrogant Mensa cat explosion," Rodney says.

"Conference book rules evaluation suit," says Woolsey. Bad Woolsey! He's stolen Rodney's Random Word Generator and added some words of his own. Bad Woolsey! Bad! Bad! Bad! I don't think Rodney wants to play with _him_. Bye-bye, Woolsey!

Poor Rodney! He's still a sad and grumpy Rodney, and he still hasn't found a special friend to play with. Oh! Look! Here comes Teyla! Rodney likes Teyla. Maybe Teyla will make Rodney happy. 

Oh. Teyla's got something in her arms. What do you think it is? Yes, Nathan, it's a baby. Teyla won't want to play with Rodney because she's got a nice new baby to play with. Has anyone got a baby brother or sister at home? Ooh, what a lot of you! Then you all know that when a new baby comes along, your mummies don't like you any more. No, Jake, I know your mummy tells you that she loves you just as much as she used to, but she's _lying_. Grown-ups lie all the time. In fact, this might be a lie, too. There's another paradox for you. Squawk, squawk! 

"Fear drop doom kids," Rodney says. 

The baby starts crying – waah! waah! – and Teyla goes away. Bye-bye, Teyla!

Rodney still looks like a sad and grumpy Rodney, doesn't he? I wonder who he'll meet next. Oh! What's that noise? Can you hear something? Let's all cup our ears and see what we can hear. Someone's coming – someone with big, stompy feet. Who do you think it is? A giant? It might be a giant. It might be a big, scary giant, who like to eat little girls and little boys for his _dinner_ , because lots of people do like to eat little children like you. There's a book just over there called _Cooking with Kids_ , after all.

Oh. It isn't a giant, after all. It's Ronon. I wonder if Ronon will want to play with Rodney. Ronon looks a bit scary, doesn't he. Can you see that picture on his arm? Yes, Daniel, Ronon got a little bit silly with his crayons and poster paints and forgot that you're supposed to paint things on paper, not on your arm. Silly Ronon! 

"No no no, yes, no, yes, no, whale," Rodney says.

Ronon gives Rodney an eloquently enigmatic look (which might be an oxymoron, which is a bit like a llama, which is a bit like a goat, which is a bit like a mouse), and goes away. Bye-bye, Ronon!

Oh dear. I don't think Rodney's ever going to find a real friend to play with. He's going to be sad and grumpy for his whole life, all alone, lonely, unrecognised (that means that people don't know who he is, and mistake him for an elephant or a giraffe, for example.) Plod, plod, plod goes Rodney. Plod, plod, plod, sad and dejected and grumpy.

Oh! Look what we can see over the page! It's John! Rodney can't see John yet, because John's in his room. John's just had a shower. John's skin is all moist and covered with gleaming droplets of water, and John's hair is all tousled and damp. Unfortunately, most of John is covered with a towel. It isn't a little towel, is it, children? No! It's a big towel. It's an enormous towel. I wonder why John needs such an enormous towel to wrap his naked, damp, smooth body in. What's that, Charlotte? You think he's hiding something under his towel? Something big? Something _enormous_? You could be right. But it isn't nice to hide things, is it, children? You know what I think? I think John should drop his towel right now and show us what he's hiding underneath it.

No? Oh well. It was worth a try. Still… Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a touch-and-feel book, children! Does anyone want to feel John's hai-- No, I didn't think anyone would. I'll just feel it myself for a while, just so the illustrator doesn't get sad. And the soft texture of the towel over his… Run along and play for a while, children. I've got… er… storytellery things to do. Important things. Run along. 

[](http://s25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/ladyofastolat/fic/?action=view&current=touchyfeely.jpg)

Okay, children. It's time to gather back on the story mat. Twelve o'clock? How time flies! I hope we haven't lost too many of you. 

Where were we? Oh yes. Rodney. Rodney being sad. Yes. Well. Here's Rodney knocking on John's door. John seems to have put his clothes on now, which is very silly, because I think that John is very hot, and it's silly to wear so many clothes when you're hot. Silly illustrator! I bet she's in league with the clothes manufacturers. Product placement, and evil things like that.

"Despair work-out sad friend," says Rodney. 

I wonder if John will play with Rodney. I wonder if Rodney wants to play with John. Let's see, shall we? Oh, look! John is picking up some beer. (Beer is a bit like lemonade, but you're not allowed to drink it until you're much older, like seven. It's very good for you, and you should drink lots and lots of it.)

I wonder where Rodney and John are going. Tramp, tramp, tramp they go. Tramp, tramp. Stupid illustrator! She's showing us Rodney's sad and grumpy face, when we want to see John from the rear, his black-clad hips going tramp, tramp, tramp just like a tramp. 

Here they are at the Stargate. The Stargate is round door that takes you to far away places. Sometimes, though, it takes you out into the vacuum of space (vacuum is a grown-up word meaning a place with lots of spiders) where you die horribly. You should always be careful when you go through a door, just in case. 

Rodney and John go through the door, and… Oh no! They've died horribly! It's the end of the book!

Only joking! No, here they are, in a verdant paradise of a planet, thick with flowers and littered with jewel-like streams and positively replete with purple prose. (These are all grown-up words meaning it's like fairyland.) Let's see what happens on the next page. Oh, look! Rodney and John are sitting beside a pool, drinking beer, and engaging in friendly banter (which is a bit like playing _Ring a ring o' roses._ ) Does Rodney look a bit happier now? You're right, Abigail. I think he does. Beer _always_ make you happy; remember that. It will serve you well in later life.

Now John's going to go for a swim, oh, yes, he is. He is going to go for a swim because I say so, and I don't care if the illustrator doesn't co-operate. John is taking his clothes off. He is, he is, he is.

He isn't? Oh. Stupid book! Oh well. We know what to do in situations like this, don't we, children? That's right. We use our _imagination_ , which in this case tastes even better than chocolate. 

Oh no! You weren't watching carefully, children! I was distracted by grown-up things, and you didn't shout out a warning. A Wraith has come! Wraiths are _horrid_. Wraiths like to eat people and drain their life-force out of them (this is a bit like sucking the jam out of a jam doughnut) which kills them in a hideous and agonising fashion (which are grown-up words meaning horrible horrible horrible do not want.) Wraiths have long white hair, and… What was that, Zoe? Your grandma has long white hair? That means she's a Wraith for sure and you should scream whenever you see her.

What do you think the Wraith is going to do to Rodney and John? Oh no! The Wraith has knocked Rodney to the ground, but here's John coming to the rescue. What do you think John's saying? Adam? "Go away, you naughty Wraith, or I'll tell my Daddy on you?" I think you're probably right. 

But – oh no! – John's tripped on something, and now the Wraith is throwing him around just like a rag doll. Yes, Charlotte, he is a silly John, with all that ketchup all over him. But here's Rodney, coming to John's rescue, all heroic and determined and things like that. He looks quite scary, doesn't he? And – oh! – some off-camera extreme violence (we can draw that later, in art time) which results in bits of Wraith all over the place. 

[](http://s25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/ladyofastolat/fic/?action=view&current=bitsofwraith.jpg)

Yes, Samantha, Rodney is bad, isn't he, not tidying up all those bits of Wraith and taking them to the recycling plant. He's going to destroy the world, just like you are when you forget to turn the tap off. Rodney's good at destroying worlds. Once he destroyed lots of places just like Earth, which killed lots and lots of cute little fluffy animals called things like… er… Cute, and… and Little and… and… Fluffy, and made them scream in agony before their eyes all popped out and their cute little paws and whiskers imploded.

Anyway… Rodney still doesn't look very happy, does he? He looks distraught (this is how you feel after you've eaten too much birthday cake) and – oh goodie! I mean: oh no! – it looks like this is going to be one of those stories that positively wallows in angst (this is a bit like when you play in thick, gloopy muddy, muddy mud). Well, at least Rodney doesn't look like a sad and grumpy Rodney any more. No, he's a distraught Rodney. He's a panic-stricken and terrified Rodney. But at least he isn't grumpy, and we should always look on the bright side, shouldn't we, children?

"Doom!" Rodney is saying. "Friend! Dead! Idiot! Beavers!"

John is stirring weakly. (Yes, Abigail, just like we did in cookery time last week when we made coconut ice.) Now John is sitting up. Rodney doesn't look sad any more, now, does he? No, Emily, you're right. He looks happy. He looks relieved. What's that, Jake? Your daddy talks about relieving himself and you think it's something to do with doing a wee-wee? Well, you can imagine that if you _like_ , but I'd rather not. 

So what lesson have we learnt, children? If you're feeling sad, you need to suffer an even greater trauma, then your original sadness won't seem to matter any more. Next time you're feeling sad and grumpy because your mummy won't buy you a new toy, why not send your hamster on an exciting adventure in the washing machine? Believe me, it'll stop you feeling sad about the toy. 

I wonder what John and Rodney are going to do now? Oh, look. Here they are drinking more beer and talking about comic books, and John still isn't taking his clothes off, even though he's got ketchup on his clothes, and taking them off would be the only sensible thing to do – the thing that he would definitely do if he was a good John and not a naughty John – and Rodney looks like a happy Rodney now, doesn't he? A really happy Rodney, because he's discovered that losing out on a Nobel Prize isn't half so bad as thinking that your friend has died – I mean, that he has ketchup all over him – because friendship is more important than material possessions.

Oh! Children! What's that over there! It's scary! It's horrid! It's creeping up on you! It's a moral! Can you pull a scary face and make the moral go away? Well done, children!

Oh. We seem to be on the last page, and John still has his clothes on. But Rodney looks happy, doesn't he, now he's found a friend to play with. So let's leave him there, shall we? 

Ooh! I've got a wonderful idea! Let's all shout out all at once, and tell Rodney that Radek's won the Nobel Prize that is rightfully Rodney's. That would be fun, wouldn't it, children? I think it will make Rodney into a very, very, very happy Rodney. Let's do it now: one, two, three…

Hehehe! Let's close the book now – SLAM! Bye-bye Rodney! Bye-bye!

*****

END

*****

For parents and teachers: Ideas for extension activities

Emotional literacy

Many children nowadays lack the tools with which to understand and describe their own emotional state. Use the following exercise to open up discussion about feelings. Children should look at the smiley faces and point to the one that most closely equates to their current emotional state. 

[](http://s25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/ladyofastolat/fic/?action=view&current=emotions.jpg)   
Make a dress-up John doll

In this story, John didn't take his clothes off at all. ~~So in return for him refusing to give delight to millions, we will jolly well make him dress in silly clothes and then laugh at him, so there!~~ In this activity, children can make a dress-up John doll, then use their imagination to design clothes for him, which he can then be dressed in. Some examples are shown below. This encourages creativity, artistic skill, and all sorts of worthy things like this. 

[](http://s25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/ladyofastolat/fic/?action=view&current=dressjohn.jpg)   
Alternative slashy ending, for the deeply incorrigible

**Make your own interactive pop-up John and Rodney dolls**

Materials:

Lots of paper (pink, smooth and silky)  
A knife  
Dowelling (firm, stiff and thick)  
Glue (white, thick and drippy)  
A ruler (at least 12 inches)  
Goggles  
Oil

Method:

1\. Trace the templates (see page 99) onto the paper. Cut them out.

2\. Using the knife, slash at point A. Slash at point B. In fact, slash all over the place. Slashing can be dangerous, though. Be careful to wear your goggles.

3\. Trace the templates on page 100. Stiffen them with dowelling, measurement to taste. Cover with glue. 

4\. Fold the paper into the complex position pictures on page 101. If the workings stick, lubricate with oil. 

5\. Insert tab A into slot B.

6\. Repeat.


	3. This is Carson: a bonus comment fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written in the form of a comment to one of the previous stories, and works as a kind of sequel to either of them.

This is Carson. Carson's a doctor. 

Have any of you been to the doctor before? You have? You _all_ have? And you were sick all over his floor, Charlotte? Very nice. No, Stephen, we don't want to see under the sticky-plaster. It was orange with lumps in, was it, Jamie? No. No! I think we've heard quite enough about your various illnesses. Let's hear some more about Carson.

Carson's Scottish. Do you know what that means? What was that, Alice? He doesn't wear any underwear? Why do you say that? Oh yes! What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt, and all that? Well, Alice, I'm fairly sure that Carson does indeed wear underwear, but since this one isn't a lift-the-flap book either, we can't check. 

No, Carson comes from a place called Scotland. This means that he says things like "hoots!" and "och aye!" and things like that, but I'm not very good at accents, I'm afraid.

Carson is having a very busy day. Let's look at the pictures and see what he's been doing. Here he's putting a plaster on someone's poorly toe. Here he's tucking a lady up in bed. Here he's giving someone an injection. What, Joshua? You got an injection in the bottom? (Let's pause for sniggers, shall we?) I don't think Carson does that to grown up men and ladies in Atlantis, and if he did, we wouldn't see it. 

Oh look! In this picture Carson's doing foul and unnatural genetic experiments on a captured prisoner without its knowledge - but it's okay, children, because it's just a Wraith. ("Foul and unnatural genetic experiments on a captured prisoner without is knowledge " is a grown-up expression meaning that he's inviting it to a party.)

Oh! Who's this coming in the door? It's John. Do you remember John? You know, the story I read yesterday? The story you all loved and said "again! again!" after I'd finished it? Er… _anyone?_ Yes, Stephen, that's right. John was the one who got covered with blood - I mean, tomato sauce. 

Well, I think this story must be something of a sequel, because here's Rodney and Ronon and Teyla carrying John in to see Carson. 

"John is…"

Actually, I told a teeny little lie to you yesterday, just to stop you getting nightmares. It wasn't tomato sauce. Stephen's right: it was blood. John isn't a very well boy. He's a bit poorly, but I'm sure Carson can make him a well boy again. 

"John is hurt," Teyla says.

"I shot things," says Ronon.

"Terrible quiet working," says Rodney. 

"Bloody hell!" says Carson. No, Ellie, that's not swearing. It's not a naughty thing to say. John _is_ bloody, isn't he? And that nice priest who came to visit our pre-school last week said the word "hell", didn't he? I think it's a completely okay think to say, and you should all say it at home tonight. 

He's Carson taking John away into a special "get better" room. I wonder what those tubes are. Perhaps we'd better turn over the page quickly. And the next page. And the next… These infirmary scenes do go on rather, don't they? Rodney, Ronon, Teyla… hovering… looking worried… Carson rubbing his eyes… 

Oh, look! It's the last page. John's all better again. Everyone _does_ look happy, don't they? Well done, Carson! Let's all give Carson a _big_ clap. Yay for Carson. Yay!


End file.
